A whole Hand...the birthday boy!

You guys, I can't believe my baby is 5.  And to be totally honest, I'm sort of having a hard time with it.  Ok not sort of, I am having a hard time with it.  Kai was two, but three months close to being three when we got him.  I couldn't wait until he turned three, and then I couldn't wait until he turned four.  I'm not sure why, other than those ages where hard.  We where going through a hard transition into becoming Mother and Son.  And I realize now that I should have savored the tiny bit of  baby time I had with him, and it WAS tiny.  Next year Kai will go to Kindergarten.  Which means all day everyday school, I am so not ready.  It seems like we just got him home and now he is going to be gone all the time.  At this point I'm not sure he is ready yet either, but I keep thinking a lot will change before then.
He is so grown up now, so smart and articulate.  He beats me every time we play Memory.  He uses phrases like " that's ridiculous" and "how disgusting".  He is very close to reading.  He is sassy, he is nosey ,he loves to be in charge, he loves to help, and he LOVES watching TV. We feel so bad for him sometimes because he absolutely craves the company of other kids and that is one thing he just doesn't get that often.  This kid is a charmer on every level.
I'm happy to say that even though Kai is a big boy now, he still thinks I'm cool.  Sometimes I could just burst at the way he loves me.  The way he brushes my hair out of my face, kisses my forehead when I'm sleeping, wraps his arms around my neck and pats my back.  He compliments me on my outfits, he says things like "Mommy, your hair is getting so long!", he wants to be close to me 24/7.  And heaven forbid Reuben does or says something he deems offensive towards me because he stands up for me every time.  He is so quick to forgive me if I mess up or speak a little too harshly.  He is happy 90% of the time. He is the life of every party.  I could learn quite a few lessons from this kid!
     That being said Kai also loves his Daddy.  The first words out of his mouth almost every morning are "where's Daddy?".  He asks Reuben all the time if he has enough money now so he doesn't have to work any more.  He seriously can't get enough of his Daddy.  He wants to be like him so bad.  Hairy legs, fat tummy and all:) He imitates his Daddy, eats cheesecake with precisely the same motions as his Daddy, says words and phrases the same way, and can hardly contain the giggles and excitement when he gets to ride in Daddy's truck and go to Troyers for a bologna sandwich.                                                           
Kai loves all his family so fiercely, it brings tears to my eyes thinking that there was a time in his life where he had none. I really feel like at this point Kai's memories of the first years of his life are fading, at least from the front of his mind, he understands that he came from China, but I'm not sure that he understands that not EVERYONE came from China.  He has really been showing an interest in speaking mandarin lately and will sit and listen to phrases on google translate and try to repeat them.
  This year we are doing a low key birthday, Kai requested going to Texas Roadhouse and having the people sing for him and shine the light in his face with Grandma Cindy, the rest of the family can come too he says.  He also wants a snowman cake, so Mommy, who is no baker, is attempting to make one. So it's just us tomorrow for the day and then we will party in the evening, I'm planning to just play with him all day and make the beautiful snowman cake. *wink *wink.  So here is to five years olds and low key, but special birthdays!  Hopefully this year will be the year Kai becomes a big brother(:

My baby Kai at 2 years.

Mommy's big boy on his new bike!

A Leap of Faith

I would have to say that this blog title is definitely a good description of what is happening in our lives right now.  Big changes,  a new direction, a leap of faith.   The one thing Reuben and I do with all our hearts is to seek God's will and direction in everything we do, and every major decision we make.  There are times when we aren't sure what to do, and we can't hear God's voice, and then there are times when we are very sure.  A few months ago we where sure that God was telling us to head back to China for our little girl, we where scared, there where many days, like I said before in a post, that I didn't really want to. But I was willing, I said I will go.  Interesting enough, every week I would beg my husband to get started (I had to wait on him because there was a fee he had to pay to start), but every week he would push it off.  He would say " next week, next week, next week", but next week never seemed to come.  Through a conversation I had with a friend of mine I (eventually) realized the God was calling us to become foster parents and Reuben agreed. I won't bore you with every detail but the way things fell into place after we made the decision to foster was just amazing. Also there are a couple other changes that have resulted, I will be a stay at home wife/mom for the first time EVER starting sometime late fall/early winter.  Reuben will be quitting his job at Trademark to be self employed as a rental property maintenance man.  Both of these changes are big leaps of faith for us. The timing couldn't have been more perfect and we just kind of let our mouths hang open and couldn't believe how God had orchestrated all the changes in our lives!  I don't know why God told us China and then said "never mind ", but we will know someday.  We still hope to bring a little girl home from there one day, if it is God's will.  We  ask for your prayers, this is a lot of change all at once, and we ask for your support.  We know this might not be easy, but once agin, we know it will be worth it!

Settling in

Well we have been living in our new house for over a week now!  Needless to say we love it:)  There are certain things to get used to, for one, the open concept.  Seriously sound carries so bad in our house, looking back we should've probably done some insulating on the inside walls.  Secondly I have very little storage!  I know right, what kind of person builds a house without lots of storage?  We did.  Other than that and the lack of grass and abundance of mud with a dog who needs to go potty and come back in we are doing great.  Kai can't quit saying that he loves his playroom and is glad to have his toys back.  I hope he continues to play in there as nicely as he has been.  Every time I say we are going home he asks me if we are going to the new house and then when I tell him we are he cheers and says he is " so cited!" (excited).  He has been sleeping very nicely in his new room too.  The first night as I was tucking him in he didn't appear scared at all so I asked him if he was.  He said " No Mommy I not scared , if I wake up I will just come to your room!"  Of course, Lol.  But he hasn't, not even once so far.  It is a little bit of a bummer to not have any outdoor space to have a little pool or let him have a sprinkler but he spends a lot of time outside at his grammas so that helps.  Drew has been oh so naughty.  We had intentions of leaving him in the basement while we are at work but he proceeded to pee a few rivers down there so for lack of a better place he gets to spend the day in the bathroom.  For some reason he has gotten in the shower a few times and left dirty paw prints.  He also will not do his business in the dirt, only grass.  Also he won't do it on a leash and thinks he can't walk around while tied up, not to mention he can't seem to learn how to use the steps in and out of the house.  He has definitely been way more of a challenge than Kai.
  We are settled on the surface but there are still lots of boxes in the basement and garage that need to be organised.  Reuben is working on building some shelves and storage in the garage and then he will in the basement too so until I have a place to put things I just kinda let things go.
  Kai is growing up so fast, he is seriously such a big kid, he can get dressed by himself, brush his teeth with minimal assistance and mostly make his bed by himself too!  He can get himself water out of the fridge door and wash his hands alone.
  On another interesting note we think that he is starting to remember things about China that he didn't before.  That or he is just better at putting his memories into words.  Before if we brought up anything about China he would sort of change the subject or act like he didn't know what we where talking about.  He has a book about Chinese adoption and has been wanting me to read it to him a few times a week.  While reading it he has brought up what he was wearing when he came to us, asking where certain items are and seeming very sad when I told him they are too small for him to wear now, he hasn't seen the clothing and we haven't said anything about it to him so I know he remembers.  I asked him if he remembers when Mommy and Daddy came to get him and he said "yes, you had a lot of papers"  seriously I got goosebumps when he said that!  Kai also has never answered to his Chinese name.  Even in China he didn't even blink and eye if we said his Chinese name.  The other night I asked him if he remembers what his name was before it was Kai.  He thought a little bit and said "baby?'.  I said no it was Peng Peng.  He whipped his head around and looked at me with wide eyes and after a moment or two giggled a little bit, it was the first response ever and it was over that quick and he was moving on. After he was in bed I was in the living room telling Reuben about the things he has been saying when he starting yelling for Daddy.  Reuben came back a few minutes later looking like he had seen a ghost.  I asked what he wanted and Reuben said "he called me BaBa"(Chinese for Daddy).  We are very excited that he is remembering things he previously suppressed and we feel like it is a good step toward healing for him. 

 

at our house we celebrate st. patty's day year round:)

Gramma Smith spent the day at our new house helping me can green beans

eating watermelon for breakfast at the bar

A visit from Uncle Travis, he loves getting his picture taken!

somebody loves him some Aunt Jamie

This and that

It seems like I'm always taking pictures. 

Kai with one of his "favorite girls" Brittany

But somehow I always end up with a ton of weird selfies of Kai and I.

                                             Maybe I should take a photography class...

One of Kai's favorite things to do is to jump into bed with us on Sunday mornings

This summer has been kind of different with everything that's going on.  I have definitely seen some major blessings through it all.  For instance, I have no outdoor work this summer which has freed me up to spend more time with Kai.  Also Reuben has been pretty much out of the equation as for as being around goes, which in itself is a bad thing but has really helped me to focus more on Kai.  We have had so many good times together!  We have picnicked and played on playgrounds and just laughed and played and hung out together more this summer than ever before.

Another favorite is Mommy reading books in bed.

 This past weekend was our annual Raber Campout, it honestly was the highlight of my summers as a kid.  Even though Kai didn't have anyone remotely close to his age to play with it was so awesome to see him having a blast and stretching his wings.  He was so independent that at one point I sat on the blanket with him to feed him a banana split and he cockily said " Mommy, why are you sitting here?"  As if I was cool enough to hang out with him and his "Girls".  Oh yes the teenage/twenty something girls totally stepped up to entertain him and let him boss them around.  He was in heaven!  I also enjoyed having the freedom to let him just run and not have to be hovering over him or have him clinging to my leg. That combined with the awesome weather made for a very memorable weekend. At one point he said "Mommy, I love my family"  The gravity of that statement was not lost on me.

Clowning around Red Foo style in our neon colors and shades

 He is so affectionate and still gets that excited open mouthed grin when you ask him for a hug.  He recently has really taken to complementing me,  It cracks me up.  One day, while staring into my face he said " Mommy, I like your rainbow hair, and your cheeks, and your forehead, and your rainbow eyebrows!" A couple days ago he was barely awake in the morning and he said "Mommy, I like your legs, I like your whole body!" I thought to myself ,well I'm glad someone does! HA  He also told me that I look like Kate Gosselin, not so sure if I was thrilled about that compliment:)  .  I didn't tell those things to brag, it just makes me realize that he is just so darn glad to have a Mommy, and he is going to have a lucky wife someday!

Isn't he a cute girl??? lol

 He is also mouthy, oooooh is he mouthy, seriously this kid is 4 going on 14.  He has discovered the meaning of 'why', and is asking why a million times a day.  While it can get old, I realize it is a normal phase.  He is still having some eating issues, he is just so picky and gags so easily, we just take it one day at a time and do our best to get him to try new things. 

Finally worn out after a weekend of fun at the 40 Acres

We are so ready to move, four more sleeps and we will be in our new house!  Kai is so excited and so far we have seen minimal insecurity and behaviors happening.  The first few nights should be interesting but I think he will do fine in his new room.  As a whole I would say that things are pretty great for us right now.
     This is a little personal, but I need to say it, one of the things I really struggle with as a parent is self doubt, and guilt, and just feeling like I just might be screwing this child up for good. I mean I reeeaaaally struggle with it.  The other night in the middle of the night I looked through all the pictures on my phone,and in my foggy half sleeping state, it was like I was seeing them for the first time.  I saw them almost as if I was looking at them through Kai's eyes, and I realized something.  I am not not perfect, I mess up, I get grouchy sometimes, I might be a little strict at times , BUT my son is happy, I mean deliriously happy.  He loves me, he likes me, and I am the center of his world. So this is me saying something that is very hard for me to say and even believe, I am a good mom....

The extrovert

Well, I'd say this update is a little...ahem...overdue.  I had some pictures I was going to post but our internet connection is really bad here and I'm blaming that for my technical difficulties.  So I will just fill you all in on what happening in our world.  We are all settled in here at my in-laws house, I thought I'd answer some FAQ's. Yes, we have electricity, yes we have TV.  We have the whole upstairs to ourselves and I am using my MIL's canning kitchen in the basement.  Is it 100% convenient, nope.  I'm in total teenager mode, I have to force myself to cook and clean, having a garden or canning or making homemade every-stinkin-thing seems like a distant memory.  Do I use MIL's washer/dryer, nope.  She still mostly uses a ringer washer and hangs things to dry so I just felt a little bit more comfortable going to the laundry mat.  lol  Do we eat together every night, nope.  Usually only on a special occasion or if there is just a good reason too, I am trying to maintain somewhat of a family unit even if we are living all together.  Do I hate it here, nope.  I really don't mind it. I am in awe of my husbands family, especially my MIL, she is always chipper, she is so kind to me, always looking for a way to bless me.  If she sees that I am tired or have been going nonstop she will come entertain Kai for a while.  She washes our towels, dries them, and folds them three times a week.  She makes us dandelion gravy and puts my food in the oven if I ask her to while I'm at work.  She is always willing to chat and give some advice.  I really feel this arrangement has taken our relationship to a new level and for that I am glad.  What am I looking forward to the most at our new house you ask?  Well, most of all even heating and cooling, no window air conditioners, not trying to out smart the hot water heater into providing me with a hot shower every day, not having two flights of stairs to travel up and down every time I need to go to the kitchen or forget my keys(or anything else) upstairs or carry bags or laundry up and down.  Also having a dog that wants out all the time when you are basically on the third floor is not fun either.  The good news is that Kai is back to his old self, no more anger issues for the most part.So basically I'm just really excited for the convenience of a nice new ranch style house with an attached garage.  Reuben has been working pretty much every spare minute on the new house which is exactly what I didn't want him to do, but I knew he just wouldn't be able to stand it any other way.  We have the house all sided now which some of you probably noticed when you drove by.  Right now they are working on the dry wall and I'm crossing my fingers that maybe they will have some painting done and the kitchen cabinets in by the end of next week.  It seems like the drywallers are in slow motion right now.
  Kai is doing so good. I realized something yesterday when I was with Kai on his field trip to the wilderness center.  I am that mom wants my child to be like the other kids, to act like them and just blend in.  I am shy, an introvert, and am pretty sure I suffer from social anxiety.  You guys...Kai is LOUD, he marches to the beat of his own drum, he has no concept of what may or may not be inappropriate in any given situation.  He is THAT KID, that kid in the public restroom who yells MOMMY IT STINKS IN HERE, he points and says MOMMY LOOK at any person or situation that catches his eye.  I made the mistake once of taking him with me into a crowded dressing room and no matter how much I told him to be quiet and put my hand over his mouth, he was laughing loudly and saying MOMMY I SEE YOUR _____!  He is such a handful, telling him not do something once or twice and expecting him to listen is pretty much a joke.  He has to touch, taste, feel discipline.  I have yet to really find any form of discipline that works consistently with him.  He gets in trouble at school, I never did that.  Lately I have tried having him repeat what I say eg. I am not allowed to kick the dog.  So far I think it helps a little.  He is a button pusher, always pushing limits and seeing how far he can take things, an extremist.   I just have to laugh at how different we are.  That being said he is very smart, sensitive, always looking out for the underdog.  He can't get enough hugs and kisses, I'm pretty sure his love language is physical touch.  He loves a good time, loves it.  He loves other kids and doesn't mean to push or dump sand on their heads, he just gets so excited he loses all sense of what is appropriate. LOL  This kid is a walking party, happy, smiling, imaginative, wonderful.  That's my kid.  He causes me to have laughing fits in public, and I do a lot of blushing and shushing.  I can't wait to see what our next child is like, I think Kai will do well with someone to play with, but may have some jealousy issues:) Well Kai is using a ball bat to send his Mr. Potato head and accessories flying across the room so I better cut this short:)  I'll try to update sooner!

The Move..moving on.

Well we have moved, in with my in-laws that is.  It seems it has been a little confusing for people because our new house isn't even close to being done but we have moved.  Well we where hoping to be able to stay in our house until it was time to move into our new house but God had other plans for us.  Our house sold before we ever listed it!  We were so relieved and glad we didn't have to go through a realtor or the stress of an auction and glad to be passing our home onto a nice young couple who is expecting their first child!   But unfortunately this meant a lapse of several months where we were to be "homeless".  My in-laws where gracious enough to let us take over a good portion of their house for a few months.  So far it has gone really well!  My mother-in-law has been spoiling me by cooking for us and doing some of our laundry.
  Kai on the other hand has had a few struggles through all this.  I keep telling myself to imagine I had nothing, not one thing that was mine, then imagine that I was given everything I ever wanted...a cozy house, a bedroom, lots of toys. Everything was good, normal, I knew what to expect, I knew I was safe and I pretty much finally believed that I was not leaving my Mom and Dad.  Then one by one every little bit of that cozy house was packed in boxes, out of my sight, piece by piece every part of my normal was ripped away until I didn't know what to believe any more.  That is what my son is facing.  He has had some trouble sleeping, a lot of the old compulsive behaviors have returned, asking the same question 50 times a day, yelling mommy the minute I'm out of his sight, following me everywhere and an insane fear of being alone. We had a little trouble with some potty training backsliding but thank the Lord nothing major, also a little acting out at school and some increased anger but nothing we can't handle.   It's not as bad as in the beginning, but its pretty bad.  I can already see an improvement in a little under two weeks of our new temporary normal but I try not to get my hopes too high because the changes are not over yet!  I know this move had to happen if we want to bring another child into our home so I just try to remember that all this is temporary and it is a happy change, with some bumps along the way. 
  Other than the above issues with all the change, Kai is doing great.  He is so funny and you definitely never know what to expect out of him!  He also seems to have one heck of a guardian angel with him, he got his whole hand in a ringer yesterday and escaped unscathed(someone doesn't always listen very well as he has been told a hundred times to stay back), and he grabbed a pretty mean electric fence tonight and somehow didn't even get shocked??  Kinda like the time he turned the saw on while daddy had his hand down in it changing the blade and daddy somehow didn't have as much as a scratch when he pulled his hand out??  I'm telling ya, there is something about this kid!
  Well here are some pictures of our progress on the house, supposedly we are backfilling either Friday or Monday and they are framing on Wednesday (weather permitting)  So that is pretty exciting stuff:)  Prayers that this house is up and finished in record time!

A Birthday Bonanza!

 Well my baby turned 4!  His birthday was cold and snowy and we decided to skip church and spend the day at home together and get ready for his party.  There was lots of things to do.  Kai started his day coming out of his room to a sea of balloons on the floor outside his room, and streamers covering his door.  I was so excited to see his reaction so I got up early and got in the shower so I could be done before he got up, when I got out of the shower I found him in the dark in bed with Reuben.  Shoot!  I missed it!  I asked him in an excited voice what he saw outside his room!  His reply was a somber" Mommy, you blocked my path" Yes, yes I did son, no big deal I guess.  He did enjoy the balloons after he woke up a little bit but was more than happy when I offered to take the streamers down.  I think he still struggles with anything that even resembles something that would keep him from getting to us.  I decided to let him open one present from us in the morning but had to force my husband out of bed to join in the festivities, you can see his level of participation below.

 After the present opening I decided to make a gourmet birthday breakfast for my little birthday boy and lethargic husband.  After lots of work in the kitchen we sat down to a delicious meal which Kai proceeded to eat 3 bites of and hold in his mouth for 20 minutes and refuse to swallow.  Good times, Good times.  Oh well, Reuben and I enjoyed it.  Later I decorated the dining room and got everything ready for our guests.

 

 As you can see from the pictures it was a Thomas themed party due to the train obsession that my son has.  He really liked seeing all the trains everywhere and his cake was really cute. 

 All our lovely guests braved the cold and snowy weather to come celebrate with us but unfortunately I didn't get any pictures of them!  Once everyone started to come Kai got a little...whats the word...wild?  He is a tiny tornado these days so I was a little distracted trying to keep him out of peoples bags and his fingers out of the cake! 

 Also you may notice that I don't have any present opening pictures, well, lets just say that was a whole new experience for me this year, gone are the days of my little Kai focusing in on one gift and me having to coax him on to the next present.  This year it was on.  The presents where being ripped open and thrown, discarded with not even a second glance or a thank you.  Oy vey.  It got wild folks.  The guests sat silently by, shocked and appalled I'm sure, while I tried to slow him down and get him to show the slightest gratitude. I'm not sure having his birthday this close to Christmas is such a good idea because it seems he gets a little spoiled by all the gifts all at once.  I'm happy to report though that he loves every single gift he received, and is grateful after all, he was just totally overstimulated and overwhelmed.  He helped me with the thank you cards also.

All things considered it was a Birthday success, a few bumps along the way, but a success.  Also Kai went in for his 4 year well check yesterday and the doctor was very pleased.  His growth is right on he is in the 30 something percentile for height and weight.  When we got home from China I believe his weight was in the 5th percentile.  The doc says he does not need to gain additional weight anymore!  His BMI is perfect! Kai is also seeing a speech therapist to see if he needs some help with his language.  Kai is not very impressed and says he already knows how to talk:)

 So lets see how great the fourth year goes , Kai is pretty much just a normal kid these days, he is a handful, but its good for me!  We have lots of exciting things happening this year, we have the go ahead to build our house and are pretty sure we have our current house sold without even listing it!  We are so thankful for all our blessing but especially for a small, energetic, crazy happy little boy!

Choosing Adoption

Wow, this blog post came to me like a speeding train, and hit me so hard I am actually up in the night because God won't let me sleep for the words flying through my head.  I told him I promise I will write it, later.  He said no, do it now.  I'm afraid of offending someone with this subject matter and that is not at all my intent.  Adoption is a beautiful thing, after all it was God himself's idea.  Adoption looks and feels different for everyone and what I wanted to address is simply if you are feeling lead to adopt, my ideas on how to choose which route to go, and my own experience with choosing what adoption would look like for us.
  I knew from the time I was a little girl that I wanted to adopt from overseas.  It was just not a question for me, however once I was married and real life set in I started to research how much a Korean adoption(my country of choice) would cost.  I was crushed and discouraged!  We could never afford it!  So we just let the idea of adoption go for about a year, then I started trying to think of a different way to go about things and I looked into foster care.  Guess what, it was free!  Wow, how easy is that, we started right into our classes and became licensed foster parents, I spent lots of money on clothes, bunk beds, toys etc and prepared my heart for getting my child.  I spent hours day dreaming and waiting for the phone to ring.  It never did.  My husband lost his job and we had to sell our house and move back in with my parents.  Our dreams where crushed and I mourned the loss of my child as if he or she had died.  I sold everything and vowed to give up the idea of children.  What was God thinking!  How could he do this to me?  I struggled for years with trusting God, until one day it all became clear.  He told me that I was trying to do things MY way, I didn't trust him to provide for our needs, and was trying to take the easy way out.  He told us to adopt overseas and I didn't trust him enough to do it.
    Fast forward a few years and through a relative God told us it was time, time to trust him and jump into adoption again.  Korea slammed shut in our faces and China opened up before our eyes.  I was so not comfortable adopting an older child, I wanted an infant , but once again God told me no. An older child it was.  I wanted a girl and God gave us a boy.  My transition into motherhood was fitful.  I didn't do well with it at all, I was depressed and my son was terrified.  Many days my tears soaked his hair and face as I cried.  There where days I would have just as soon stayed at work than come home to my clingy three year old.  But I prayed that God would help me love him and slowly that love came creeping into my heart.  Today I can say that I am still reaching new and profound levels of love for my little boy.  But I really don't want to go through that again, I really would like to find an easier way, a less painful way.  Wouldn't a baby be easier?  Surely it would be.  I found myself leaning more and more towards domestic infant adoption,  I found words like better, different, and easier seeping into my vocabulary as I tried to convince my reluctant husband this was the way to go.  Then once again God got my attention, gentler this time thankfully, and he said this, Adoption is hard, period.  This is what you where called to, its not easy, but you can do it.  I will help you.  He gave me a heart for orphans, children waiting for someone to love them, he told me that I have a daughter in China, and even gave me her name( in the middle of the night of course).  I'm scared, I'm terrified, and some days I really don't even want to do this again at all.
But this is why I told you that story, I have nothing at all against foster care, I have great friends who foster and I truly look up to them for putting there hearts and lives out there for these hurt kids.  I have nothing against domestic infant adoption, I have great friends who went this route to get their  children and they are so blessed, in fact I hope God leads me in that direction one day.  But for now he tells me this.  I didn't ever tell you it would be easy, I told you it would be worth it, and it is!
   So this is my advise for anyone who is thinking about adopting and wants to choose which way to go. There are two reasons God taught me NOT to use in deciding which way to go in your journey, one is financial reasons, and two is not which is the easiest way. those are terrible reasons that will lead you astray every time! Ask God to guide you, ask him which way to go, ask him to check your motives, check your own motives, do a little research, and you will know.
There is a little thing I want to bring up, and that is that God commands us as Christians in the bible to care for orphans.  What is an orphan exactly, to me it is a child with no parents, and no one who wants them.  So I challenge you to ask yourself this.  Where is the greatest need?  Where are there children who no one is lining up to take.  Where are there children waiting to be loved like in countries such as China, Ethiopia, Uganda, Haiti, India etc.  Children in our foster care system, older children every where, children born with down syndrome or other special needs.  It may not be the easiest route, but it may be the route for you!
No one is beating down our doors asking us to tell our story of bringing home our son, its not a popular story.  Its not a story of love at first sight, or of fairy tales.  It real life, its hard to hear, people may judge me.  But its truth, it happens every day. I pray that the next time there is a new little one under our roof I will do better, be better for her.  But no matter what I know that God is with me!

Christmas 2013

Well we had a good Christmas.  Kai still wasn't 100% but he felt well enough with Advil that he still enjoyed the day.  He is one blessed little boy, he got so many great gifts, and he has a birthday coming next month. I'm not one to really push the Santa thing and we don't go overboard trying to convince him of anything, as we want Christmas to be about Jesus' birth, but I have to say, seeing the wonder in his eyes when he came out of his room to see a huge thing in the middle of the living room covered with a blanket was amazingly  awesome(train table) Pictures aren't the best since getting Kai to hold still was a little challenging:) Hopefully everyone had a great Christmas too!

What a mess we had to clean up!

Our table decor

Favorite toy award goes to the train table from Santa

His very own vacume cleaner that is now stored right next to Mommy's

Kai not feeling well on Christmas:(

Grandma Smith, Mom, and Viola

Drew getting some love from Grandma Smith

opening his accordion from Great Grandma Swartz



A new Bike from Great Grandma Smith!

One Year with Kai!

     I have been waiting to write this blog post for a very long time, a whole year to be exact!  There is just this sense of " we made it" about hitting the one year anniversary of becoming parents.  In truth do you ever really "make it"?  I think you are never done parenting or learning or working on your marriage or your relationship with Jesus or any other thing in life but I will allow myself this one small victory of making it one year as a mom. And wow has it been a year to remember!  There have been many happy moments, tons of firsts, lots of tears, and all of them add up to memories.  After a whole year of looking forward to this post I'm finding myself wondering what to write, what pictures y'all would want to see.  
      So I'll just start by saying Kai is SO different than he was a year ago!  He is so secure with his life and for the most part just seems happy happy happy.  He is comfortable being naughty(oh yes he is), he is comfortable getting out of bed(oh yes he is), he is just comfortable period.  He is very much a follower.  It actually concerns me quite a bit.   He loves kids and would follow a group of them right off the side of a cliff no questions asked!  He really would, he looks to others to show him how to act, very scary.  Something to work on. He is obsessed with Dora, for real he is.  He is obsessed with electronics, anything with a screen and buttons.  One of his favorite things to say is " Kai look phone?"  He still loves to sing twinkle twinkle little star and the ABC song.  Other favorites are The Ants Go Marching, You Are My Sunshine, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, This Little Light of Mine and the list goes on and on.  He would let me sing to him 24/7 and he still likes to be rocked but does go to sleep in his bed by himself.  His favorite food are chicken, shrimp, noodles, chips, smarties, cupcakes, yogurt, bananas, clementines, fresh pineapple, and popcorn.  Other saying Kai is famous for " Doin?"( meaning what are you doing) "Mommy", "Kai see em", "check it out", "Mommy", "whew!", "Dooroo stop!"( meaning Drew stop!) " Mommy". Do you see a pattern there? HA.  Kai goes to preschool a half a day a week and LOVES it!  He also enjoys Sunday School too.  He is our social butterfly but can pretend to be shy from time to time.  He talks to everyone and is very offended if he says Hi to someone and they don't answer(even the gas man).  I heard a shocking story about Kai on school picture day through a third party( Thanks Ruth).  He is an extrovert but this was completely out of character for him as he is verbally very outgoing but not physically, as in he doesn't let strangers pick him up or hug random people etc.  So anyway I get a message on Face book that on school picture day when it was Kai's turn to go in and get his picture taken he marched into the room with no fear, said "Hi Martha!" (photographer's name) and went straight up to her, grabbed her face and kissed her straight on the mouth!   He never met her before in his life! Oy vay am I in trouble. 
      Kai is very excited about Christmas this year and so am I.  I was in total zombie mode last year and didn't even really enjoy it.  So in other news for the coming year, we are planning on building a house in the late spring.  Oh I am so excited!  I like my little house but its  just that, little.  We need some room to put things and not feel so on top of each other.  We will have two bathrooms, central air, a nice new basement and an open concept that will make me not feel like some kind of outcast when I'm working in the kitchen. So you can tell what I'm looking forward to the most!  We will also be in the East Holmes school district and Kai will get to go to Berlin Elementary and that's where I went.  That was our biggest goal. 
     We are also hoping to start on adoption #2 as soon as we move into our new house and get settled. Is that taboo to say that we are planning to start another adoption?  I know most people don't say anything until they are under way but hey, I don't care.  My life is an open book and I'm too excited to keep my mouth shut! lol  Lots of things could change between now and then but that is what we are hoping for.  We still haven't decided what type of adoption we are being led to do this time, we switch back and forth almost daily between domestic and China Special Needs.  Time will tell!
   Well here are a few pictures of little man, I'd be lying if I said the last year was easy and that it was always fun but all I can say is that it was worth it! Because this little guy calls me Mommy! (a lot)

Mommy's Big helper folding laundry

sitting on a bucket drinking water

Wearing Daddy's slippers

10 Months with Kai

Yes it really has been ten months...

watching the parade at the Harvest Festival in Berlin

Kai's photography skills

I thought I would catch every one up on what our boy is up to, and into...
He is an  amateur photographer!  I think some kind of real kids camera is on the Christmas wish list this year, and yes after you see some of his work I know you all will be wanting to book him for your family portraits! LOL He loves to take our pictures and the stupider the face and pose you do the more he giggles!

Selfie with a photo bomb by Aunt Linda:

Wow, just wow. Kai  is rocking this photo shoot

 We had a good time taking Kai to his first parade, you just never know how a child will react to a parade and I was a tad nervous, no need to be!  Once the trucks and trailers and floats and even the princesses started coming he was in heaven!  Then when the candy started being tossed his way it was really on!

Big fun at the Harvest Festival

enjoying a week night walk with Grandma and Bryan

peanuts and candy corn for breakfast ( I know Mother of the year right?)

  But what is Kai into besides photography?  Anything with wheels, trucks, cars, trailers, motorcycles, tractors, and even motor homes!  His favorite toys right now are match box cars.  He loves riding bike and getting a ride on anything anyone is willing to give him a ride on.  He loves Sunday school and Pre-school and has seemingly adjusted quite well.  He also has really started to enjoy books which thrills us since we are both readers. Kai is also the proud owner or a red cape with a big K on the back of it, he is now "super Kai!" to the rescue!  It's seriously so cute:)  The other day we went on a walk and I got too warm so I tied my jacket around my waist, his eyes got huge and he said" AHHH super Mommy!" ummm definitely not but so funny it reminded him of a cape:)  He can still tell people off with the best of them that's for sure.  Another nickname of his is " His Royal Kai-ness"  He wants things his way and he will let you know if you do something wrong.  He was dedicated last Sunday night at church and he proceeded to tell the audience off all the way down the steps from the stage to our seats for being "too loud!" with their applause.  I was quite embarrassed and I hope no one could hear him:/  He may end up being a hair dresser like his Mommy.  He fixes my hair all the time and pretends to do hair cuts, also he gets very upset if anyone touches his hair if it has gel in it! 
Kai is also really into helping me with anything I will let him help with, he likes to clean the toilet, dry or wash dishes, put the clean silver wear away from the dishwasher and fold wash rags stack them in a neat pile and go put them away. 
  Kai unfortunately still does not sleep through the night on a regular basis, every once in a while he will.  We have literally tried everything we can think of and tried to think of everything under the sun that could be causing this trouble.  We have tried more blankets, less blankets, jammies on, jammies off, nightlight, no nightlight, door open, door closed, slathering his body and pillow in lavender oil, lavender oil in his bath water, one of those light up pillow pet thingies, fan on, fan off, telling him his bed is a big boy bed, a super hero bed, bed time snack, no bed time snack, and just flat out telling him not to get up! lol  My latest idea was glow-in -the-dark stars and moon for his ceiling( his other facination is with the sun, moon, and stars)  To no avail.  He doesn't wake up crying, or appear scared.  He isn't sick, he isn't at all potty trained at night so it isn't a bathroom issue.  I used to ask him what was wrong and he didn't answer at all but we think it is just simply an ongoing ploy to wriggle his way into our bed, he simply wakes up and is alone so he comes in our room.  We usually just take him potty, change his diaper, and hold him for a little while while he clings to us like a spider monkey and then put him back to bed.  We have thought about cutting out nap time but he just simply cannot do with out one, he is too tired during the day.  so if any of you Mommy's or Adoption experts have any advise other than co-sleeping(which we did for a while in the beginning but are not willing to go back to) please let me know!  his other sleeping issue is that he is a regular little creeper:)  He literally scares me half to death because he will sneak out of his room sometimes right at daybreak when I am getting  ready for work and sit in the gray dim light coming in the windows and hid under  the dining room table or sit in a corner and I will (having no idea he is up) catch a glimpse of his wide eyed face out of the corner of my eye and scream my head off. LOL  I told Reuben it's no wonder I'm so jumpy at night it's like having a creepy ghost child wandering our house!  It makes it a little less weird since I finally did get out of him why he wanders into strange places like under the table, he says he is a puppy.  Yep, he barks, he pants, and he licks our faces from time to time.  We try not to encourage or make a big deal out of it when he starts the puppy business we just calmly say "your not a puppy your a boy".  It seems to be helping but when he is not sure how to act he will just be a puppy, nice coping mechanism, maybe I should try it in socially awkward situations:) or not...  We can't believe it's been almost a year since Kai's been ours, it really fells good these days but I know we still have a long way to go!  Sorry for my rambling:)

Summer 2013

Great Grandma Swartz feeding Kai Ice cream

 This has been an eventful summer for our family.  Lots of fun times, but times of sorrow too.  I'm not a fan of change, and it's seems like we are in a season of our lives where God is making some big changes. As I look back on my life so far I can see a definite trend going on, any time there has been a big change( job change, moving, adding a child, death in the family, etc) I have struggled and struggled and gone through a major period of stress and or depression.   About nine months ago we got the biggest change of all and that was the arrival of our little Kai.  It was a big change for the better but it didn't come with out it's struggles.  The good part about struggling is it is the refiners fire, God molding us and shaping us into what he wants us to be through life experience, pain and trials.

Playing a game with Daddy in St Louis

 We've also lost our precious dog Adam.  He was waaay more than a dog to us, he was son. He was there with us through our entire marriage, comforted me while my arms where empty, and provided lots of entertainment.  Knowing he was happy and content and healthy was part of what made everything ok in world for me.  Our grief was and is absolutely crushing.  Kai misses him too and still asks for him.  Adam is in Heaven, happy and not sick anymore. ( Kai's words)


Holmes County Fair

Leaving the fair with a smile on his face:)

Pony ride at the circus earlier this summer

My Grandma and Grandpa in the photo booth

I couldn't do a blog post without doing a little tribute to my Grandpa who passed away last week.  I still can't believe it.  There was so many things I hadn't asked him yet, great-grandchildren he had yet to meet. Places he and Grandma had yet to visit, winters in Florida he was going to have.  The list goes on.  But Jesus called him home in his own perfect timing and I will understand some day.  Our family can never and will never be the same.  I'm worried about my Grandma, she likes change even less than I do, and her and Grandpa where hardly ever apart.  Prayers for her in the days, weeks and months to come. 


Drew loving some Grandpa time!

  The thing about this summer is through all the bad time and big changes came fun, and lots of it.  We went to a circus, went swimming with friends, went on a trip to St. Louis for a wedding where we went to a water park and the Zoo.  We also had plenty of time with family which makes everything more fun!  Reuben Kai and I have enjoyed good health all summer, and I never forget what a blessing that is.  Kai also has made huge strides for the better this summer, we feel that he is forming deep bonds with us and is so happy with life.  He threw his first fit when I left him at the babysitter which to most parents is not a happy thing and it wasn't for me either but inside I was smiling and thanking God because that is a great sign that he is bonding well.  He wanted me not because he was scared or insecure, he's been there many times.  He wanted me because I'm his Mommy, and he loves me!  We don't know what God has in store for us, what comes next?  Job change? Move? Another child? How? Where? When?  We truly have no idea what is next and usually that drives me nuts, I'm a planner, and organizer.  But for once in my life, I don't care, I trust God, and I'm excited to see what's next.  I know he will be by our sides no matter what.  Whom shall we fear?