Choosing Adoption

Wow, this blog post came to me like a speeding train, and hit me so hard I am actually up in the night because God won't let me sleep for the words flying through my head.  I told him I promise I will write it, later.  He said no, do it now.  I'm afraid of offending someone with this subject matter and that is not at all my intent.  Adoption is a beautiful thing, after all it was God himself's idea.  Adoption looks and feels different for everyone and what I wanted to address is simply if you are feeling lead to adopt, my ideas on how to choose which route to go, and my own experience with choosing what adoption would look like for us.
  I knew from the time I was a little girl that I wanted to adopt from overseas.  It was just not a question for me, however once I was married and real life set in I started to research how much a Korean adoption(my country of choice) would cost.  I was crushed and discouraged!  We could never afford it!  So we just let the idea of adoption go for about a year, then I started trying to think of a different way to go about things and I looked into foster care.  Guess what, it was free!  Wow, how easy is that, we started right into our classes and became licensed foster parents, I spent lots of money on clothes, bunk beds, toys etc and prepared my heart for getting my child.  I spent hours day dreaming and waiting for the phone to ring.  It never did.  My husband lost his job and we had to sell our house and move back in with my parents.  Our dreams where crushed and I mourned the loss of my child as if he or she had died.  I sold everything and vowed to give up the idea of children.  What was God thinking!  How could he do this to me?  I struggled for years with trusting God, until one day it all became clear.  He told me that I was trying to do things MY way, I didn't trust him to provide for our needs, and was trying to take the easy way out.  He told us to adopt overseas and I didn't trust him enough to do it.
    Fast forward a few years and through a relative God told us it was time, time to trust him and jump into adoption again.  Korea slammed shut in our faces and China opened up before our eyes.  I was so not comfortable adopting an older child, I wanted an infant , but once again God told me no. An older child it was.  I wanted a girl and God gave us a boy.  My transition into motherhood was fitful.  I didn't do well with it at all, I was depressed and my son was terrified.  Many days my tears soaked his hair and face as I cried.  There where days I would have just as soon stayed at work than come home to my clingy three year old.  But I prayed that God would help me love him and slowly that love came creeping into my heart.  Today I can say that I am still reaching new and profound levels of love for my little boy.  But I really don't want to go through that again, I really would like to find an easier way, a less painful way.  Wouldn't a baby be easier?  Surely it would be.  I found myself leaning more and more towards domestic infant adoption,  I found words like better, different, and easier seeping into my vocabulary as I tried to convince my reluctant husband this was the way to go.  Then once again God got my attention, gentler this time thankfully, and he said this, Adoption is hard, period.  This is what you where called to, its not easy, but you can do it.  I will help you.  He gave me a heart for orphans, children waiting for someone to love them, he told me that I have a daughter in China, and even gave me her name( in the middle of the night of course).  I'm scared, I'm terrified, and some days I really don't even want to do this again at all.
But this is why I told you that story, I have nothing at all against foster care, I have great friends who foster and I truly look up to them for putting there hearts and lives out there for these hurt kids.  I have nothing against domestic infant adoption, I have great friends who went this route to get their  children and they are so blessed, in fact I hope God leads me in that direction one day.  But for now he tells me this.  I didn't ever tell you it would be easy, I told you it would be worth it, and it is!
   So this is my advise for anyone who is thinking about adopting and wants to choose which way to go. There are two reasons God taught me NOT to use in deciding which way to go in your journey, one is financial reasons, and two is not which is the easiest way. those are terrible reasons that will lead you astray every time! Ask God to guide you, ask him which way to go, ask him to check your motives, check your own motives, do a little research, and you will know.
There is a little thing I want to bring up, and that is that God commands us as Christians in the bible to care for orphans.  What is an orphan exactly, to me it is a child with no parents, and no one who wants them.  So I challenge you to ask yourself this.  Where is the greatest need?  Where are there children who no one is lining up to take.  Where are there children waiting to be loved like in countries such as China, Ethiopia, Uganda, Haiti, India etc.  Children in our foster care system, older children every where, children born with down syndrome or other special needs.  It may not be the easiest route, but it may be the route for you!
No one is beating down our doors asking us to tell our story of bringing home our son, its not a popular story.  Its not a story of love at first sight, or of fairy tales.  It real life, its hard to hear, people may judge me.  But its truth, it happens every day. I pray that the next time there is a new little one under our roof I will do better, be better for her.  But no matter what I know that God is with me!

Christmas 2013

Well we had a good Christmas.  Kai still wasn't 100% but he felt well enough with Advil that he still enjoyed the day.  He is one blessed little boy, he got so many great gifts, and he has a birthday coming next month. I'm not one to really push the Santa thing and we don't go overboard trying to convince him of anything, as we want Christmas to be about Jesus' birth, but I have to say, seeing the wonder in his eyes when he came out of his room to see a huge thing in the middle of the living room covered with a blanket was amazingly  awesome(train table) Pictures aren't the best since getting Kai to hold still was a little challenging:) Hopefully everyone had a great Christmas too!

What a mess we had to clean up!

Our table decor

Favorite toy award goes to the train table from Santa

His very own vacume cleaner that is now stored right next to Mommy's

Kai not feeling well on Christmas:(

Grandma Smith, Mom, and Viola

Drew getting some love from Grandma Smith

opening his accordion from Great Grandma Swartz



A new Bike from Great Grandma Smith!

One Year with Kai!

     I have been waiting to write this blog post for a very long time, a whole year to be exact!  There is just this sense of " we made it" about hitting the one year anniversary of becoming parents.  In truth do you ever really "make it"?  I think you are never done parenting or learning or working on your marriage or your relationship with Jesus or any other thing in life but I will allow myself this one small victory of making it one year as a mom. And wow has it been a year to remember!  There have been many happy moments, tons of firsts, lots of tears, and all of them add up to memories.  After a whole year of looking forward to this post I'm finding myself wondering what to write, what pictures y'all would want to see.  
      So I'll just start by saying Kai is SO different than he was a year ago!  He is so secure with his life and for the most part just seems happy happy happy.  He is comfortable being naughty(oh yes he is), he is comfortable getting out of bed(oh yes he is), he is just comfortable period.  He is very much a follower.  It actually concerns me quite a bit.   He loves kids and would follow a group of them right off the side of a cliff no questions asked!  He really would, he looks to others to show him how to act, very scary.  Something to work on. He is obsessed with Dora, for real he is.  He is obsessed with electronics, anything with a screen and buttons.  One of his favorite things to say is " Kai look phone?"  He still loves to sing twinkle twinkle little star and the ABC song.  Other favorites are The Ants Go Marching, You Are My Sunshine, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, This Little Light of Mine and the list goes on and on.  He would let me sing to him 24/7 and he still likes to be rocked but does go to sleep in his bed by himself.  His favorite food are chicken, shrimp, noodles, chips, smarties, cupcakes, yogurt, bananas, clementines, fresh pineapple, and popcorn.  Other saying Kai is famous for " Doin?"( meaning what are you doing) "Mommy", "Kai see em", "check it out", "Mommy", "whew!", "Dooroo stop!"( meaning Drew stop!) " Mommy". Do you see a pattern there? HA.  Kai goes to preschool a half a day a week and LOVES it!  He also enjoys Sunday School too.  He is our social butterfly but can pretend to be shy from time to time.  He talks to everyone and is very offended if he says Hi to someone and they don't answer(even the gas man).  I heard a shocking story about Kai on school picture day through a third party( Thanks Ruth).  He is an extrovert but this was completely out of character for him as he is verbally very outgoing but not physically, as in he doesn't let strangers pick him up or hug random people etc.  So anyway I get a message on Face book that on school picture day when it was Kai's turn to go in and get his picture taken he marched into the room with no fear, said "Hi Martha!" (photographer's name) and went straight up to her, grabbed her face and kissed her straight on the mouth!   He never met her before in his life! Oy vay am I in trouble. 
      Kai is very excited about Christmas this year and so am I.  I was in total zombie mode last year and didn't even really enjoy it.  So in other news for the coming year, we are planning on building a house in the late spring.  Oh I am so excited!  I like my little house but its  just that, little.  We need some room to put things and not feel so on top of each other.  We will have two bathrooms, central air, a nice new basement and an open concept that will make me not feel like some kind of outcast when I'm working in the kitchen. So you can tell what I'm looking forward to the most!  We will also be in the East Holmes school district and Kai will get to go to Berlin Elementary and that's where I went.  That was our biggest goal. 
     We are also hoping to start on adoption #2 as soon as we move into our new house and get settled. Is that taboo to say that we are planning to start another adoption?  I know most people don't say anything until they are under way but hey, I don't care.  My life is an open book and I'm too excited to keep my mouth shut! lol  Lots of things could change between now and then but that is what we are hoping for.  We still haven't decided what type of adoption we are being led to do this time, we switch back and forth almost daily between domestic and China Special Needs.  Time will tell!
   Well here are a few pictures of little man, I'd be lying if I said the last year was easy and that it was always fun but all I can say is that it was worth it! Because this little guy calls me Mommy! (a lot)

Mommy's Big helper folding laundry

sitting on a bucket drinking water

Wearing Daddy's slippers

10 Months with Kai

Yes it really has been ten months...

watching the parade at the Harvest Festival in Berlin

Kai's photography skills

I thought I would catch every one up on what our boy is up to, and into...
He is an  amateur photographer!  I think some kind of real kids camera is on the Christmas wish list this year, and yes after you see some of his work I know you all will be wanting to book him for your family portraits! LOL He loves to take our pictures and the stupider the face and pose you do the more he giggles!

Selfie with a photo bomb by Aunt Linda:

Wow, just wow. Kai  is rocking this photo shoot

 We had a good time taking Kai to his first parade, you just never know how a child will react to a parade and I was a tad nervous, no need to be!  Once the trucks and trailers and floats and even the princesses started coming he was in heaven!  Then when the candy started being tossed his way it was really on!

Big fun at the Harvest Festival

enjoying a week night walk with Grandma and Bryan

peanuts and candy corn for breakfast ( I know Mother of the year right?)

  But what is Kai into besides photography?  Anything with wheels, trucks, cars, trailers, motorcycles, tractors, and even motor homes!  His favorite toys right now are match box cars.  He loves riding bike and getting a ride on anything anyone is willing to give him a ride on.  He loves Sunday school and Pre-school and has seemingly adjusted quite well.  He also has really started to enjoy books which thrills us since we are both readers. Kai is also the proud owner or a red cape with a big K on the back of it, he is now "super Kai!" to the rescue!  It's seriously so cute:)  The other day we went on a walk and I got too warm so I tied my jacket around my waist, his eyes got huge and he said" AHHH super Mommy!" ummm definitely not but so funny it reminded him of a cape:)  He can still tell people off with the best of them that's for sure.  Another nickname of his is " His Royal Kai-ness"  He wants things his way and he will let you know if you do something wrong.  He was dedicated last Sunday night at church and he proceeded to tell the audience off all the way down the steps from the stage to our seats for being "too loud!" with their applause.  I was quite embarrassed and I hope no one could hear him:/  He may end up being a hair dresser like his Mommy.  He fixes my hair all the time and pretends to do hair cuts, also he gets very upset if anyone touches his hair if it has gel in it! 
Kai is also really into helping me with anything I will let him help with, he likes to clean the toilet, dry or wash dishes, put the clean silver wear away from the dishwasher and fold wash rags stack them in a neat pile and go put them away. 
  Kai unfortunately still does not sleep through the night on a regular basis, every once in a while he will.  We have literally tried everything we can think of and tried to think of everything under the sun that could be causing this trouble.  We have tried more blankets, less blankets, jammies on, jammies off, nightlight, no nightlight, door open, door closed, slathering his body and pillow in lavender oil, lavender oil in his bath water, one of those light up pillow pet thingies, fan on, fan off, telling him his bed is a big boy bed, a super hero bed, bed time snack, no bed time snack, and just flat out telling him not to get up! lol  My latest idea was glow-in -the-dark stars and moon for his ceiling( his other facination is with the sun, moon, and stars)  To no avail.  He doesn't wake up crying, or appear scared.  He isn't sick, he isn't at all potty trained at night so it isn't a bathroom issue.  I used to ask him what was wrong and he didn't answer at all but we think it is just simply an ongoing ploy to wriggle his way into our bed, he simply wakes up and is alone so he comes in our room.  We usually just take him potty, change his diaper, and hold him for a little while while he clings to us like a spider monkey and then put him back to bed.  We have thought about cutting out nap time but he just simply cannot do with out one, he is too tired during the day.  so if any of you Mommy's or Adoption experts have any advise other than co-sleeping(which we did for a while in the beginning but are not willing to go back to) please let me know!  his other sleeping issue is that he is a regular little creeper:)  He literally scares me half to death because he will sneak out of his room sometimes right at daybreak when I am getting  ready for work and sit in the gray dim light coming in the windows and hid under  the dining room table or sit in a corner and I will (having no idea he is up) catch a glimpse of his wide eyed face out of the corner of my eye and scream my head off. LOL  I told Reuben it's no wonder I'm so jumpy at night it's like having a creepy ghost child wandering our house!  It makes it a little less weird since I finally did get out of him why he wanders into strange places like under the table, he says he is a puppy.  Yep, he barks, he pants, and he licks our faces from time to time.  We try not to encourage or make a big deal out of it when he starts the puppy business we just calmly say "your not a puppy your a boy".  It seems to be helping but when he is not sure how to act he will just be a puppy, nice coping mechanism, maybe I should try it in socially awkward situations:) or not...  We can't believe it's been almost a year since Kai's been ours, it really fells good these days but I know we still have a long way to go!  Sorry for my rambling:)

Summer 2013

Great Grandma Swartz feeding Kai Ice cream

 This has been an eventful summer for our family.  Lots of fun times, but times of sorrow too.  I'm not a fan of change, and it's seems like we are in a season of our lives where God is making some big changes. As I look back on my life so far I can see a definite trend going on, any time there has been a big change( job change, moving, adding a child, death in the family, etc) I have struggled and struggled and gone through a major period of stress and or depression.   About nine months ago we got the biggest change of all and that was the arrival of our little Kai.  It was a big change for the better but it didn't come with out it's struggles.  The good part about struggling is it is the refiners fire, God molding us and shaping us into what he wants us to be through life experience, pain and trials.

Playing a game with Daddy in St Louis

 We've also lost our precious dog Adam.  He was waaay more than a dog to us, he was son. He was there with us through our entire marriage, comforted me while my arms where empty, and provided lots of entertainment.  Knowing he was happy and content and healthy was part of what made everything ok in world for me.  Our grief was and is absolutely crushing.  Kai misses him too and still asks for him.  Adam is in Heaven, happy and not sick anymore. ( Kai's words)


Holmes County Fair

Leaving the fair with a smile on his face:)

Pony ride at the circus earlier this summer

My Grandma and Grandpa in the photo booth

I couldn't do a blog post without doing a little tribute to my Grandpa who passed away last week.  I still can't believe it.  There was so many things I hadn't asked him yet, great-grandchildren he had yet to meet. Places he and Grandma had yet to visit, winters in Florida he was going to have.  The list goes on.  But Jesus called him home in his own perfect timing and I will understand some day.  Our family can never and will never be the same.  I'm worried about my Grandma, she likes change even less than I do, and her and Grandpa where hardly ever apart.  Prayers for her in the days, weeks and months to come. 


Drew loving some Grandpa time!

  The thing about this summer is through all the bad time and big changes came fun, and lots of it.  We went to a circus, went swimming with friends, went on a trip to St. Louis for a wedding where we went to a water park and the Zoo.  We also had plenty of time with family which makes everything more fun!  Reuben Kai and I have enjoyed good health all summer, and I never forget what a blessing that is.  Kai also has made huge strides for the better this summer, we feel that he is forming deep bonds with us and is so happy with life.  He threw his first fit when I left him at the babysitter which to most parents is not a happy thing and it wasn't for me either but inside I was smiling and thanking God because that is a great sign that he is bonding well.  He wanted me not because he was scared or insecure, he's been there many times.  He wanted me because I'm his Mommy, and he loves me!  We don't know what God has in store for us, what comes next?  Job change? Move? Another child? How? Where? When?  We truly have no idea what is next and usually that drives me nuts, I'm a planner, and organizer.  But for once in my life, I don't care, I trust God, and I'm excited to see what's next.  I know he will be by our sides no matter what.  Whom shall we fear? 

Leg Doctor...

Today we finally went to Akron Childrens to the Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon.  We where curious, scared, nervous and excited all at once to see what the doctor had to say.  Just as a refresher I guess I should remind everyone why we needed to see such a doctor.  Kai's left tibia( large lower leg bone)  is roughly 6-7cm shorter than his right.  Due to this he also suffers from conditions called equinous and pes varus which really means his foot is permanently sort of on its tippy toes and his foot is slightly turned in.  We both had ideas about what the doctor might say but at the same time we really had no clue.  The doctor looked him over, watched him walk and then run, had him kick and took x-rays.
When all that was done he sat us down and told us that if a person has to have this condition, Kai has the best case scenario!  He said that he does not recommend doing anything right now because Kai functions so well just the way he is.  A shoe lift would probably just be in his way.  The leg difference will not affect his hips or back in any way at this time and he said possibly  at the age of six to seven he would consider doing a leg lengthening procedure.  For now we will go back once a year for x-rays to measure how the difference between the legs is doing. Is it getting larger or smaller or staying the same.  
Needless to say once again we are thrilled!  The doctor was so pleased with the way he has overcome this disability and after seeing him run called him "the bullet". LOL  I feel like a thousand pounds is lifted off my shoulders and I'm ready to just enjoy the fourth and the upcoming Raber camping weekend!  We also are busy thinking about where to take our vacation to this year.  I know I know we just went to China for two weeks for goodness sakes!  Well that most definitely was NOT a vacation! HA  Anyone have any suggestions for a place that is kid and adult friendly, not crazy expensive and where there is enough to do for a whole week without getting bored?  If so please let me know!  Hopefully you all have a great weekend too and see all you Rabers soon:)

Baby Pictures!

We came across something very special!  Or I should say Reuben did. I don't quite understand how he did it but somehow he found out about an organization called Love Without Boundaries.  They go into orphanages and provide assistance.  Apparently if you send in a request and let them know what orphanage your child was in and what dates, they will send you any pictures they may have, if they have any from there.  So they sent us a file from Enmei in 2012, 2011, and 2010.  Low and behold there is no denying that in the pictures from the fall of 2010 is our KAI!  We feel so truly blessed to have something so random, so rare, and so touching as baby pictures of our son!  Apparently the organization had donated the little outfits the babies are wearing and took pictures of them wearing them.  It really makes me realize that with all those babies there really is no way Kai could have gotten the care and attention babies need at that age, it makes me sad, it makes me want to pick him up and squeeze him a little tighter, it helps me to understand his insecurities a little better, and just makes me feel somehow closer to him and feel like I got a tiny glimpse into his past.  He is doing OK, struggling at times, crying every night right now.  But we are making progress, one step back but two steps forward!  Just remember him, and us when you say your prayers.  I so want him to heal from what he had to go through in his early life and forget every bad thing and fear he every had to face alone!

Kai is in the back left

second baby down from the top

baby on the left
probably 8-11 months old